You will also get tips for how to start putting pleasure first today. 

Who are the people in this video:

Rachel Strivelli, the host, is a psychic, coach, and Author of Talk to the Trees. Rachel will help you find, listen to, and follow your inner voice. You can work with her to bust through blocks, boundaries, or anything sticking & stalling you in business. Discover how a psychic can uncover the emotional and spiritual things slowing or sabotaging your life and address it. 

Tazima Parris, the guest, is a Sex Coach & Pleasure Mentor for high-achieving people-pleasing women 35+ who overthink, over-give, and end up overwhelmed.

Transcript from the Interview:

Tazima Seeds of Self Love
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[00:00:00] Rachel: Tell me one really common myth or lie or thing that women commonly believe that is just total ridiculousness.

[00:00:13] Tazima: It’s my fav. This is my favorite. Yeah. Oh, women think that. them being more interested in sex in their thirties and forties is like them being like a 15 year old boy. And I’m like, no, you’re actually perfectly on track for a woman’s body because women move into more of a sexual prime in their thirties and forties, so they’re more sexually interested.

[00:00:44] Younger women tend to not have as much drive or have more of that social pressure to not mm-hmm. , but older women, like we’re, we can be more sexual because we have capacity. So, so the like sexist for men or sexist, you know, I feel like a 15 year old boy. No, you feel like a 37 year old woman, or you feel like a 43 year old woman or whatever it is.

[00:01:09] No, you, you’re right on track. Sister , like we, this society, part of the reason that we believe this myth. is that women’s sexuality is tied to our reproductive value. Mm-hmm. and our reproductive value goes down significantly after 35. So women think it’s over. But after our sexual, our, our reproductive prime years, which are, you know, late teens to through our twenties, that piece of time is not our sexual prime.

[00:01:44] That is when we are the. Reproductive valuable, and if you think about women, the way that women have been held over time. Mm-hmm. , part of the challenge is that we’ve been held as property of an estate, and our rooms are about pre productivity rather than our value as a person. So a woman’s value. For a lot of the time that we’ve been agrarian societies or you know, this kind of modern culture, the productivity of our wombs is the reason that women are valuable.

[00:02:18] Women who couldn’t produce children were literally killed. Because they weren’t of value. So when we put that into perspective, it makes sense that we think we’re expired at 35. Cause our productivity to the patriarchy and being held as property is no longer of value. But if we don’t hold our inherent value, then we’ll believe the hype and then we’ll think, oh, we’re over the hill.

[00:02:44] There’s something wrong with me. I don’t have, you know, and it’s all bs. And it’s a total myth. And we, I’m working to let women know that this is untrue. woo and ridiculous ,

[00:02:57] Rachel: that is so ridiculous. And I, I love your passion for this and that it’s grounded in history. And I know we’re gonna get to more pleasurable things if history doesn’t turn you on.

[00:03:10] Don’t worry. Cause don’t worry. Do more juicy stuff, . So before we get in too deep, Oh, although we’ll probably go deep. I need to introduce you to Zema Paris. She is a set, blah. She is a sex coach and pleasure mentor. All of you out there who are high-achieving people, pleasing women who maybe you’ve been used to putting other people first a lot, who sometimes forget yourself.

[00:03:41] It’s the end of the week and you’re thinking, did I even do anything for myself? You’re gonna want to tune in and turn up the volume and probably listen to this more than once because we are going to be offering so many moments for you to put pleasure first. And I wanna know why do you think, well, okay, there’s probably a lot of reasons, but tell me your first thoughts about why is putting pleasure first so important for women?

[00:04:08] Tazima: Yeah, so one thing I wanna say, even before I answer this question is that. Our society is pleasure, negative sex, negative, pleasure, negative shaming. And it’s part of, because this society, specifically America, was founded by the Puritans and that puritanical value system has tracked all the way through.

[00:04:33] By the way, England slash Europe wasn’t really that much better. There’s a lot of shame around pleasure. Mm-hmm. , there’s a lot of shame around enjoyment and joy and life and the vibrance of life. And that is baked into the, into the substance of our current modern society. So let’s start out with the shame around pleasure in general.

[00:04:56] So, . It’s easy for us to not do that because everything about the society says, you know, you have to work first and then and then get pleasure. Or if you go to a hotel and you’re checking in and they say, is this trip business or pleasure? Like you have to choose also, if you literally look at the definition now, I’m a super nerd,

[00:05:16] I’m a super nerd. I love that about

[00:05:17] you.

[00:05:18] Rachel: Super nerd. I love it. I’m super nerds are also listening. Yeah, I’m a super

[00:05:23] Tazima: nerd. And so if you literally look up the definition in the dictionary of like what pleasure is, the first one is, Like things that are of one are to one’s liking. Okay, cool. Then you move on and like, a couple more down.

[00:05:39] It’s like sinful, worldly, you know, like sinful pleasures. And then the other part is like this whole, like, to pleasure someone, which generally means when you’re thinking about someone pleasuring someone, usually it’s the woman who’s pleasuring the man. So it’s a whole setup just because this word pleasure.

[00:06:00] Oh. And it’s also a, a a a euphemism for sex. Oh, they pleasured this person, so, right. We try to, Because of the shame around the word sex and our concept about sex pleasure has been used and intimacy has been used cuz not because it’s an actual good, these are good words to use. It’s cuz we are, we’re shamed about sex.

[00:06:22] Yeah. So that, I just wanted lay out that framework first. And then the reason we don’t put pleasure first is because of all of that bullshit. . Mm-hmm cause of all of those pieces that are inside of our culture, of how we hold pleasure as sinful, even though it’s something of your liking. So we have this problem with our own pleasure.

[00:06:43] We’re shamed by our own things that we like. Second part. our brains as, as female. So if you’re born female, you have all the female parts. And I, I do acknowledge that gender and sex happen on a spectrum. Even genitals are on a spectrum. There’s no distinct man, woman thing actually in the world. mm-hmm.

[00:07:05] Even the genitals, the physical genitals are totally on a spectrum. Wow. Believe me. It’s fascinating. . So anyway, so if you if you have the hormones and the, and the ovaries and the uterus, your brain is affected by the amount of hormones you have of the different types. And so for a female hormone mix, our brain is wired to put other people first so that babies don’t die when they’re nursing or when they’re unable to care for themselves.

[00:07:34] We have to be able to think of our children so that. Species can go on. Mm-hmm. . So pleasure becomes this thing. If I go after it, I’m, the baby is gonna die. So there’s a survival aspect to it, so it makes sense. Mm-hmm. , but none of us right now in this society or anyone who’s listening to this podcast on their digital device,

[00:07:57] Okay. None of us are in a survival mode Yes. To that level that someone’s gonna die if you take a bath mm-hmm. , or if you take a little extra time to drink your coffee or whatever it is that you enjoy. So we, we have this survival based negation or rejection of pleasure because we think something terrible is gonna happen if we take our eye off the ball or if we pay attention to ourselves or it, it’s seen as being selfish and so many people have mm-hmm.

[00:08:27] socialized and religious based guilt. Complexes about pleasure. And so I’m here to tell you that most of the , most of the baggage that we carry is not our own. Yes, we’ve had some experiences in this lifetime. If, if you’re, if you lived more than two decades, you’ve got some baggage , guaranteed . And so we, there’s some baggage.

[00:08:53] We gotta go through that baggage and say, is this actually still working for me? Is this serving me or is it, is it diminishing my, my nourishment? And if it is, we gotta take a look at that. And that’s why I say hashtag pleasure first, especially for women. Because when we do, we get nourished. We get nourished deeply.

[00:09:16] And if you put your pleasure higher in the day, first, do it before things get started. You’ll be more nourished through the day and be able to. Connect more deeply with people, be more present. You won’t snap as much, you won’t, you know, , you’ll pleasure actually equals productivity for women. Men’s brains do a totally different thing.

[00:09:40] I’m not talking to them. Not talking about them. Yeah. Okay. Pleasure does a different thing for them. So this conversation is for you and women. Literally women will stop me and, well, what about my husband? Or what about men or what I’m, I’m not talking about them. They have a different wiring. And by the way, the entire society is set up.

[00:10:00] To support them.

[00:10:02] Rachel: Oh, yeah. I know. I, and I’m thinking, honestly, they can go listen to their own podcast about pleasure. Like this is our time to listen for the women to say, this is my time. I don’t need mom guilt to enter in. I don’t need partner guilt. If that’s even a thing. Yeah. It, it’s, it, it to the side because it, it, to me, those seem like the excuses that come up that get in the way of putting pleasure first.

[00:10:28] Tazima: That’s that female brain and the people pleaser. Right. It’s the female brain and the people pleaser. Both of those are survival tactics, so we don’t die. Mm-hmm. , we don’t wanna alienate our partner because then he won’t bring us meat from the hunt. Mm-hmm. has nothing to do with hurting someone’s feelings.

[00:10:47] holding a boundary will not destroy a quality connection. It will, it could destroy a not quality connection. Mm-hmm. , but holding a boundary and, and creating the situation where you’re creating pleasure first for yourself. That is a muscle to build. It’s not easy. It’s some of the hardest work I think women have to do.

[00:11:07] I mean, yes, there are hard things, but I’m saying in the work to support ourselves, it’s one of the most difficult things that we have to do. And so you need support to do it.

[00:11:20] Rachel: Yes. And I’m wondering, it, it, we’ve got the brain, which is a little bit of a barrier perhaps, and then maybe also the way your day is set up could also be a barrier.

[00:11:33] Tazima: Absolutely. And, and just the habits built. Yeah. Because we’re, because we’re socialized to say you gotta do work first. Business before pleasure. . Mm-hmm. . We’re set up in that way. And let’s, let’s just go a little more esoteric for a moment. , which is, which, hard for me too. . The masculine cycle is the diurnal cycle.

[00:11:59] Men are associated with the sun, so it makes sense for them to do, have daily practices cuz they’re up with the sun. They have more energy in the morning. Yes, they’re night owls. But night owl is usually heavily facilitated by electricity. . Yeah. We were out in the wilderness like all of our asses would be diurnal,

[00:12:25] But because of technology and, and lights and all this stuff, we can extend our days later. It’s not necessarily a good thing anyway. So men are more associated with the daily cycle, so it makes sense for them to have daily habits. Women are associated with the moon. We have a 28 day cycle ish. If, if things are wor ish, if we’re, if things are working women might find that sometimes their cycles are on the new moon and they’re ovulating on the full, full moon.

[00:12:55] And, or it might be completely switched or somewhere in between. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. , we might correlate, but if we pay attention to our, either our menstrual cycle, whether you have one or not, or we pay attention to the moon cycle. If we do things in cycles like. Doing sales calls. If, you know, for a woman who has a business or a big meeting or whatever, prepping or writing that thing during ovulation or during the full moon, we have more energy, more creativity.

[00:13:22] So if we listen to those cycles, we can be more successful. And if it’s the new moon or you are on your cycle, you may want to take more rest. So for me, my cycle actually lands most often on the full moon. So I’m g I have more energy. I ne I don’t feel tired during during my menstrual cycle, but I do slow my activity down.

[00:13:48] Hmm. Just because like, let me just slow down a little bit. , because my body is doing a thing. Mm-hmm. , it’s time to rest. We can also, even if you’re not a business person you know, you have a job or whatever, you can set goals during the New Moon. And reap them or, or, you know, have the crescendo of that action for that goal during the full moon.

[00:14:11] And when we pay attention to those cycles, we end up more empowered in what we’re doing. So it goes way beyond just kind of the, these, you know, making pleasure first or how the si these patterns are so deep. And if we actually pay attention to ourselves and our lives and how we actually operate and our nature and the things that actually serve and nourish and support us, we, our ch lives could be totally transformed.

[00:14:41] And, I mean, that’s literally why I’m doing this. . Yes. This is why I, I am committed to having this business where I help women to prioritize pleasure and find pleasure and sex and, you know, ask for what they need and hold boundaries and identify what they need. Cause a lot of women don’t even know what they want.

[00:15:00] Because of our wiring and because of society exploiting our wiring. It’s just, you know, , it’s a lot .

[00:15:09] Rachel: It’s, it is, and I’m thinking about how if, if you try and live every day, as in every day, I can do the same amount of productivity activities, outward, energy expenditure, you, we don’t honor, as you said, our, our unique cycle.

[00:15:31] And what I find is when I let myself slow down, when it feels like a lower energy time and, and do that, there’s, there’s more compassion. I can take a pace. And it also, I, I’m very much into. The rhythms of nature. And so I know that nothing in nature just gets up and goes every day. Maybe men do, but you know, most things in nature, there are these rest periods, but we’re not having as many of the rest because it gets into, as you said, we extend our days.

[00:16:04] We have these hyper productivity and everywhere you go there’s productivity hacks and yeah, we have machines that do even more for us, but we’re working even more. We didn’t let the that have more free time. Yeah. And so what I’m seeing of a value and, and that I can know is a value that I have is when I slow myself down, when it’s the time in my cycle where I feel less energy and respond to that more, then there are also natural periods where I don’t have to hype myself.

[00:16:36] To, to reach out to 10 people or to pitch myself 10 places because I’m doing that. When it’s more, I’m more natural. Yes. High energy. Expending of my extroverted whatever time as opposed to it doesn’t make me feel like I’m having to force myself to be on

[00:16:56] Tazima: when I’m not on. Totally. Totally, totally. And you, you’ve mentioned men do maybe men do, they do cuz they have testosterone.

[00:17:05] And testosterone is goju. It’s not that we don’t have testosterone, it’s just they have literally 30 times more testosterone. It’s a lot more. So them going really hard is easier for them because they have testosterone. People overlook this fact and one of, and the reason why one of the most common hormonal.

[00:17:34] imbalances in women is adrenal fatigue is because our adrenals are the ones that produce testosterone. Mm-hmm. . Right? We’re trying to keep up with people who have 30 times Wow. The testosterone that we do and we’re giving ourselves adrenal fatigue in order to try to keep that pace. It’s ridiculous. It is, and what I have noticed is that when women rest or they prioritize pleasure, it increases their productivity.

[00:18:05] I had three clients just last week express this very thing to me, cuz I, they were coming in all like, oh, I’m so tired, I’m exhausted while I’m like, yeah. How are your pleasure practices? And they’re like, oh yeah. I’m like, pull out your pleasure menu right now. And by the way, y’all can get a pleasure menu.

[00:18:24] Anyone who’s listening, y’all can get my pleasure, , fill your pleasure cup exercise. Y’all can get that. I’ll make sure to share the link. Oh, good. But this is an exercise that anyone can do and it’s free. And once they did that, I had them. These are existing clients. They know about this stuff. Right.

[00:18:44] They’ve made it their pleasure. That’s why I said, go look at your pleasure menu. The one woman goes to look at the pleasure menu and she’s like, oh yeah, I’m doing all this, but I’m just chugging through it. Oh. So I was like, okay. So what I want you to do is, even though you’re doing all these things that you really enjoy, I want you to savor them.

[00:19:04] 24 hours later, she talks to me again. It’s a 180 . Oh my goodness. I have so much energy. I got so much done today. I feel great. Yeah. Oh, So there’s no, and there’s no linear reason that this actually worked. It’s literally just how the female system operates. There’s, it’s not linear pleasure causes productivity.

[00:19:33] It’s that you become more nourished so that you can show up more, so that you can be more present. She’s not snapping on her client the way that she did the day before. . Mm-hmm. , she’s present with the challenges. It’s not like there were less challenges the second day she was different. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . Her life wasn’t different.

[00:19:51] She, this, this particular client is an accountant and it’s tax time, so Oh wow. Yeah. So, you know the degree of stress. Oh yeah. She’s under and pleasure helped her out. Not accountability. Boo accountability, boo . Thumbs down.

[00:20:16] Rachel: I was talking to some folks in my neighborhood yesterday about a book that I was reading last year, I think is called The Power of Fun.

[00:20:23] Maybe you’ve read it. If you have, I’ll put it linked below and please the woman who wrote it. Either she did the research or was talking about the lasting effects of having fun. I’m having fun with you right now. Yes. So the rest of the day, I know one, I’m gonna have all these epiphanies rattling about.

[00:20:41] Yeah. Looking at men being like, you got 30 times more testosterone and I’m slowing my base. I’m chilling. And also also the fun that we’re having together. Yeah. That. , it’ll carry me through today if it, if, if you or I have even more fun. Mm-hmm. , it can last days some. I, I think some of the research is up to a week later, the residual effects and I’m sure pleasure and fun.

[00:21:07] You know, it’s all pleasure, fun, joy. Yeah,

[00:21:10] Tazima: pleasure, fun, joy. I don’t care what you call it. I’m talking about the deep enjoyment that is personalized to you. Mm-hmm. , not just like ice cream or, that’s fine too. Mm-hmm. , but I’m talking about deeply nourishing, personally identified things that you enjoy. Mm-hmm.

[00:21:28] if you give that to yourself, this, whether it’s fun or you, whether you call it fun or you call it joy or you call it pleasure, it’s not really that important. Mm-hmm. , what’s more important it is that it deeply nourishes you so that you can reap the benefits of getting that. Mm-hmm.

[00:21:45] Rachel: nourishment. Mm-hmm. Yes.

[00:21:48] And I wanna bring out, I’m sure you’ll have more to say about this.

[00:21:52] I’m so excited to tell you about the newly released Talk to the Trees, written by myself, Rachel Stra. Talk To the Trees is a short book about connecting learning from the wisdom of these elder beings.

[00:22:05] What do trees know about love, family, and connection, and dealing with hardships of life. You can buy it at the places linked below. I would love it if you check it out, share it with a friend, buy it for a friend, and spread the word.

[00:22:21] Rachel: Yeah. When you mentioned ice cream, I was thinking some things. Either they may be pleasurable, but then it’s a, yeah. There’s a weighing of how much do I wanna do this and or there are things that I may find pleasurable that you don’t.

[00:22:36] Yeah. Or vice versa. And so is that one of the things that when you’re connecting with people you work on or Yes. In creating the pleasure menu? Yes. How do you also have people who come to you, I’m sure, who say, I don’t even know what makes me feel pleasure anymore?

[00:22:54] Tazima: Yes. Yes. I don’t know. What I want is one of the huge issues,

[00:23:03] And it’s, it’s not, it’s not that. It’s gonna continue to be that. that they will never know what they want. It’s, it’s not, that’s not the case. Mm-hmm. , part of determining the things that you like and the pleasure that you prefer is actually giving yourself time to do it. But in a pleasure negative society, no one’s, no one’s encouraging you to do that.

[00:23:26] So you, right. So that’s part of the muscle that you’re building. It’s literally the two pound weight. It’s not the 50 pound weight. Prioritizing pleasure is a two pound weight, but if you never pick up the two pound weight, you’ll never get any practice with doing it. Yes. And so it’s, we start small with small things you like.

[00:23:46] So, so on the pleasure menu, I talk about doing really granular things, small things, not the big, let’s go to, you know, let’s go to, you know, Cancun or whatever, . Mm-hmm. , that can be on the pleasure menu too. But you can. It’s the small things that don’t cost anything. I encourage, I, many years ago, I used to be a holistic health coach and people kept asking me about sex and relationships, and I had answers, so I switched to camps,

[00:24:17] But, but many years ago, I used to talk about, when I was a health coach, I used to talk about there’s a way that you can eat for your taste buds and there’s a way that you can eat for your entire system. Those surface level pleasures, like binging, binging, streaming services, or having a whole carton of, you know, Ben and Jerry’s or whatever,

[00:24:38] The thing is that’s a, a taste bud level pleasure. Yes. It tastes good. Yes. You may get some emotional effect from it. Yes. You enjoyed laughing at the comedy series that you, or the drama, you know, being in it. Yes. And it’s the dopamine level. But when you get to oxytocin level or deep nourishment level where you actually feel connected, you actually feel deeply nourished.

[00:25:07] You actually, it’s calms your system down. It’s not that addictive. Like, I, now I need more, now I need another episode, now I need another spoon fuller. Let, let me, you know, order it on the delivery service so that I can have more chocolate right now, , I’m not bashing the pleasure stuff that, you know, the, the like surface level pleasures, but understand they’re not nearly as nourishing as those deep, personally identified.

[00:25:33] Deeply nourishing pleasures. We, if we identify those things, all it takes is a few minutes to write down a few things. One of the things, I’ll give you an example. One of my non-sexual, like regular pleasures is being able to see the sky. Mm. Like I love sunrises, especially I have an, my, the place that I moved into I chose this place for the windows.

[00:26:00] They’re five foot windows . That’s awesome. And they’re wall to wall and they’re east facing. So I have an Northside. Perfect. So I get to, and I live in a, a neighborhood full of three story walkups and I’m on the sixth floor. Mm. And so I have an unimpeded view of a lot of the sky and I can even see a little bit of Lake Michigan through the trees.

[00:26:27] I’m not quite high enough to see the full on Lake Michigan, but I can see it through the trees. . I love it. Yeah. Yeah. So that is a deeply nourishing, simple, free thing that I can, when I wake up early in the morning, cuz sometimes I do, I really, I’m a morning person, I love it. I look out and that I see that dawn happening and it’s red, or it’s pink or purple or whatever the color is.

[00:26:52] Like, I know it’s gonna be gorgeous. And even if it’s cold outside, I know I can put on my snow pants and get out there and do a little walk on the lake . And I’m in, I’m in a joyful place that doesn’t cost me anything and it burns some calories. Hey, bonus bummed gets me a little active little fresh air.

[00:27:10] And so there are three things, at least on my pleasure menu that are handled for the day. If I just take a walk and then maybe I’ll meditate and then maybe I’ll, you know, have a, have a lovely cup of tea. That’s five things I’ve already done before I see anyone. Mm-hmm. . Mm. And what does that do for my day?

[00:27:31] It carries me through. Yes,

[00:27:35] Rachel: I love it. I’m a big nature person as well. So on the other side of this I have big windows. They’re, yeah, they’re five foot. And I also put prisms in the windows. Yeah. So earlier in the interview, you probably saw one on my face. Yeah. And for me that’s also okay. It was a $5 prism.

[00:27:54] It wasn’t free, but the rainbows are free from now

[00:27:57] Tazima: on for now on you. And you have that. You

[00:28:00] Rachel: have that. Exactly. Yeah. And, and I did a walk in nature this morning. I shifted, I used to meditate later in the morning, and then recently I thought, , maybe I’m gonna start the day with meditation, cuz I always want it to happen.

[00:28:13] And then when my kids get up I’ve already had that meditation. Yeah. So now I meditate. Sometimes they come in when I’m meditating. Mm-hmm. . And so then I get a little cuddle. And I also feel positive of I’m being a great role model for them showing I’m prioritizing my self-care, my meditation first. Yes.

[00:28:32] And it’s those three extra minutes. Okay. Some of the time I, I will do longer meditations, but three minutes is my minimum to start. I, I was just snoozing before it wasn’t quality sleep. Is it always a quality meditation? Well, it’s better than me snoozing at bed. So it’s a win. And it didn’t take any extra time cuz I was just snoozing

[00:28:55] Tazima: before.

[00:28:57] Yeah. Yeah. And, and meditation is nourishing. Just having mindfulness even closing your eyes. Mm-hmm. for five breaths. Mm-hmm. is effective. So it doesn’t have to be like this big, like I have to overhaul my morning routine. You don’t have to do that. You just add in a little something, add in a little something.

[00:29:18] Mm-hmm. . And by the way, long meditations, so like people are 30 minutes, an hour, you don’t get more benefit after 15 or 20 minutes. You don’t, we’re all, you know, the people listening to this podcast, you, me, we’re what’s called householders. We are not monks or nuns. Right. don’t. You don’t have to. And, but that’s again, that overachiever thing.

[00:29:44] That’s that, yes. If I do more, it’s better. No, it’s not better. You get the maximum benefit from meditation by 15 to 20 minutes. Mm-hmm. , 15 to 20 minutes is as much as you’ll get. You’re it’s like getting into the water. You’re already wet. You can’t get wetter mm-hmm. mm-hmm. Than being in the water.

[00:30:03] Mm-hmm. like, you’re already wet. It’s fine. So get in there. Mm-hmm. and then you can get out. So like, don’t guilt yourself. You don’t have to do super long meditation so you can be more spiritual. It’s fine. 15, 20. It’s great . I

[00:30:18] Rachel: agree. I agree. I, I almost never do longer meditations now that I have kids. It’s just not logistically feasible and I figure the monks and the nuns, that’s their job essentially.

[00:30:31] Totally. Is meditating. Totally. Totally. And right now my job is my business and raising my children, so Yep. You know, I do, I do the shorter meditations and I enjoy every moment and yeah. If I need an extra meditation cuz I’m snapping too much, then I do. Or a walk or another pleasure thing. Yeah.

[00:30:51] Tazima: Yeah. You can totally integrate it.

[00:30:53] And, and women, we, because our, how our brains operate. , all human beings are social. Mm-hmm. , but women are more social and we have more capacity to notice what’s happening for people. We have more sort of emotional sensory knowing mm-hmm. It’s literally wired into us cuz we have to interpret what babies are feeling and wanting to us to know, like

[00:31:21] So we, we have it built in mm-hmm. and yes, men can develop this and so in, there’s no one is, no one loses anything by a woman taking care of herself. Mm-hmm. , no one is paying for you. Prioritizing something that deeply nourishes you as a woman. Mm-hmm. . And to get that into women’s minds is extremely challenging cuz so many of us grew up with guilt.

[00:31:53] Oh, you’re being selfish by the way, anyone who was calling us selfish. What did they want for us? They wanted us to do what they wanted. Mm-hmm. . So who’s selfish? Really? And I’m not, I don’t wanna bunk. The thing about respecting your parents, let, let me just be clear. I’m not trying to be, you know, like, oh, you know, your parents were, you know, Stu stunk, but I’m not, that’s not it.

[00:32:21] But there’s nothing selfish about taking care of yourself. That’s not selfish, that’s self-aware, that’s self-supportive. So w quite a few of my clients are Catholic. Mm-hmm. or other religiously conservative. Mm-hmm. . So like, I get this all the time. They grew up in these conservative religious communities and it doesn’t matter.

[00:32:45] Denomination or, or, right. You know, religion. I, I get ’em all right. And breaking out of that, That kind of guilt that comes from putting yourself first. There’s nothing wrong with it. God’s spirit, Allah, , you know Jehovah, like whomever is not going to be mad at you for getting more rest or saying no to something that will take you out of your own power and your own capacity to function.

[00:33:19] We, God doesn’t want us to suffer the divine spirit. The universe doesn’t want us to suffer. It doesn’t have , a punitive perspective on our lives. It just doesn’t. Right. . So go ahead, . Go ahead. Do, do the thing that is supportive of you because you’re gonna be able to do your, your divinely inspired gift in the world.

[00:33:44] You’re gonna be able to deliver that in a better way, and I’m pretty sure the divine is gonna be in favor of that. . Mm-hmm. .

[00:33:51] Rachel: Mm-hmm. , I’m

[00:33:52] Tazima: certain of it. . Mm-hmm. .

[00:33:55] Rachel: Mm. Yes. And back to that productivity, I’m thinking about whistle while you work that phrase or song or idea and, and when you’re in a great mood. Oh, it’s easy to.

[00:34:11] Wash the dishes in the kitchen or Yeah. Or go to work and deal like your accountant that you’re speaking of deal with the thing that you have to do. Yeah. When there’s already this element of lightness Yeah. And yeah. And pleasure and joy Yes. That you have so that when you bump up against these other things Yeah.

[00:34:31] You’re already coming from a great place, you are less likely to react. Yeah. I’m believing too. Oh, tough scenario. Now I’m gonna react and Yeah. Get negative or jump on that. Right. Well, if you’re already feeling very pleasurable

[00:34:47] Tazima: Yes. Then ,

[00:34:48] Rachel: then it, it’s to me it seems more resilient and more like those things.

[00:34:53] They just, they just don’t get into you and affect your mood. Yeah. So greatly.

[00:34:58] Tazima: Yeah. I, I say one of my kind of phrases that I say a lot are my signature sayings Yes. Is yes. Tell us is that pleasure is the antidote to resentment. . That’s good. And if you think like when, when my, so I, you know, switching over a little bit more to the overtly sexual aspect of my work.

[00:35:23] Yeah. I was thinking about sex. Yeah. . . Yeah. resentment.

[00:35:29] Rachel: Like when you said that, I’m like, makeup sex is a perfect example

[00:35:33] Tazima: of that. . Yes. And if, if so, some people are at the place where they can have makeup, sex. Mm-hmm. . Oh yeah. Mm-hmm. , we had a fight and like, yeah, now we’re gonna have sex after. Like, some people are there, some women are not at.

[00:35:48] even being capable of having sex. Yeah. Because they’re so resentful about what’s not happening in their relationship. Whether it’s stuff that’s not happening in a way that they prefer in the bedroom. Mm-hmm. , or whether it’s something in the rest of their life. Mm-hmm. , the way women’s brains operate is that we have, everything is on the table all, all the time.

[00:36:07] Mm-hmm. , we do not compartmentalize in the way we can. Some of us have been really well trained to compartmentalize and put things to the side, and then we bury it and shove it down. So we’ve been trained to do that. But generally speaking, everything that’s up for us is on the table. Mm-hmm. and we’re kind of sifting through it and putting this, okay, now I gotta look at this.

[00:36:28] Now I gotta look at that. But that resentment, if it’s there, it’s in everything. Mm-hmm. and. When we’re resentful about something, we have an unhealed hurt about something. Someone did something that felt kind of funky, but we are, you know, we’re like, oh, let’s just let it ride for a little bit. Or like, I don’t wanna say anything.

[00:36:45] I don’t wanna hurt anybody’s feelings. I don’t wanna, you know, this is that people pleaser thing. This is that woman brain thing of like, let me not rock the boat so that I can keep the peace. When we keep the peace in that way, even though we have all this resentment, the resentment is hurting us, it’s damaging our health, it’s damaging our capacity to actually have connection.

[00:37:05] It actually even depend damages our capacity for trust. Mm-hmm. So even when someone is for us and wants to help us out or wants to please us, like I think of my women who are, who have been divorced and are now dating again, that resentment from the old relationships literally stops them from even being connect a bowl.

[00:37:26] Wow. So if you don’t deal with that resentment, , it’s gonna affect everything. And then the, the, when the resentment piles up and piles up, it gets compressed down. Then, you know something, it spews out the cracks. . Yeah. You know, something comes up and you’re like, . And then you’re giving them, you know, the full out, like, you know, the whole super, you know, pressure of all of this resentment when really the thing is, you know, they left the toilet seat up

[00:38:00] Right, right, right. Like, it’s not that big of a deal in the scheme of life, but cause you’re dealing with all this unhealed hurt and pain and resentment from the past, everyone in front of you is still paying. . So when we add pleasure in that situation, cuz I have a, I have a client now who is, she’s, she’s in the midst of this process and I, she has some, some grievances to bring up with her husband about their sex and intimacy.

[00:38:29] She has a higher drive than he does, mm-hmm. . And so in her, you know, higher jobs, she’s like, I don’t know why he can’t, you know why he can’t, he needs to work out, you know, I wish he wouldn’t drink as much. And I’m like, you cannot bring this conversation to him with your current being because you’re pissed.

[00:38:48] So all I’ve been doing for the first several, like basically the first month of our work together is her prioritizing her own pleasure. And I didn’t even script her for this last week. What she tried last week. I didn’t script her at all, all I was just like, prioritize pleasure prior and then send me what you’re doing.

[00:39:08] You let me know her Sunday night with him. ended up being very different. Ooh. Cause she came to him from a place of care. Mm-hmm. saying mm-hmm. , I really care about you. I really wanna be connected with you. I didn’t script this at all. This is something that arose from her, from her pleasure. So I want you to see you and the listeners, I want you to see how much pleasure can support us, even for the most difficult spaces in our life.

[00:39:39] Now, she still has a laundry list of things, and there there are different kinds of conversations she has to have. But they had a great evening. And their sex was sex. Like they actually had it. Yeah. And it was deeply enjoyable. And so, so I’m sharing this to demonstrate that even just the, like I said, it’s not linear.

[00:39:58] But cause she came in a softer way because he didn’t feel threatened by her. Or like emasculated by her, which has been the historical experience for them, is that she’s emasculating him. And that’s not sexy. Emasculation is not sexy. It doesn’t turn a dude on. Well, mm-hmm. unless they have that kind of relationship.

[00:40:16] But that’s a different .

[00:40:17] Rachel: That’s a, that’s a different, that’s another

[00:40:19] Tazima: podcast. That’s a different podcast. , which I know about that stuff too. So . Yeah. But in, in, in our standard relationships, it emasculation is not sexy. It’s not something that, that really helps the relationship. It damages the relationship.

[00:40:35] But her prioritizing her own pleasure, gave her the capacity to be more compassionate and be a, be together with him in a more connected, more emotionally available way. So her prioriti, her prioritizing pleasure, diminished her resentment so that she could be present with him in a more connectable way.

[00:40:56] Mm.

[00:40:57] Rachel: That’s awesome. Mm, it’s really cool. I love, I love how, what I’m hearing and what I know from my personal experience, I was sharing about something slightly similar recently on online about my resentments or when I was expecting others to be doing things for me. Yes. And then I shifted and did things more for myself.

[00:41:20] And then I thought, oh, I was viewing things from this feeling of scarcity and lack, but let me, let me do my own pleasure first and then see how this situation goes. Yes. So it’s, there’s, it’s almost an exponential positive effect because you’re getting the pleasure you need and then your relationships or work improves and.

[00:41:47] Who knows what other good things are gonna happen. . I know

[00:41:49] Tazima: there’s one other thing I haven’t talked about yet. Good, good, good. Tell us boundaries. Mm. Boundaries and pleasure are the secret combination. People have no idea about this. Boundaries. People have this like mystical relationship about boundaries.

[00:42:11] Well, what is a, what is a boundary and how do I hold them? And all these, all this stuff there, there’s this, you know, kind of mystical quality to boundaries. Like they’re so hard to get to or like so hard to defend or define. No, they’re not at all. The problem is you’re not treating yourself well enough and people like, we don’t necessarily abuse ourselves.

[00:42:32] There are some people who are in that place, but that, that’s general. Not generally the folks who are who I’m talking to, you know? Yes. That’s for therapy. , yes. But generally our self-criticism and our. Like need for perfection or perfectionism. All of those pieces tend to have us think there’s something wrong, and so that inner conversation can be harsh.

[00:42:58] But when we do things to prioritize our own pleasure, we’re like, okay, I’m gonna do this, this, and this. You raise your standards of how you are treating yourself. So when other people cannot meet the level that you’re treating yourself. Mm-hmm. So you’re on, let’s say you’re on, you’re practicing and you’re at level eight, most of the time of like eight out of 10 of like, I’m doing a pretty good job.

[00:43:23] If someone’s coming in to treating you at six and you’re already treating yourself at eight, or you’ve had a 10 day and you know what that feels like, . Okay. It’s going to be easy to say to this person, actually, that’s not okay with me. . Mm-hmm . But if you don’t have the experience of being treated well by you, then it’s hard to hold the line for people who aren’t treating you well.

[00:43:50] Cuz if they’re not treating you well, but you don’t have a standard of being treated well by you, you can’t hold that line. But when you do have it, oh, it’s easy, simple. It becomes a no-brainer to be like, actually no, I’m not, I’m not okay with this. I’m not okay with you talking to me in this way cuz you know, and you don’t even have to say, cuz I don’t talk to myself in that way.

[00:44:14] You don’t have to say that, but you’ll know it in your being in the fabric of who you are. You’ll be able to say, actually no. And then it just comes out like, boom. You don’t have to think about it. You’re not overthinking it. It’s really fascinating. I’ve had this happen to my, to me where I held a boundary and I was like, I, I don’t know what to tell you.

[00:44:36] I, I’m not okay with that. We can talk about another option, but I am not okay with this specific condition. A woman who is from a religious, conservative community, patriarchal community stood up to both her husband and her father for how they were treating her. And I didn’t give her a script.

[00:44:57] Wow. I mean, this is the thing that I’m really wanna underline it. It’s, I don’t have to tell you what to say. This is generated from within, which is why I consider myself a disruptor of the women’s empowerment movement because the women’s empowerment move is like, you have to stand for your boundaries and you gotta like, yeah.

[00:45:16] And like. Quote, unquote woman up. But it really is like this effort to man up, yes, to be masculine, but like, no, I’m literally teaching these women how to be more receptive, more care for themselves, more gentleness. And that gentleness is what creates the power, the gentleness, that kindness and that pleasure and the joy.

[00:45:37] That’s what creates the, the foundation, the solid foundation for them to stand on when they’re standing up for the. .

[00:45:45] Rachel: Yes. And I, I wanna share, to me, what I’m also hearing is there’s an identity transformation that happens internally. Yes. So that it’s one of those, as you say, I won’t stand for this. Yes. And, and, and whether or not you give all the reasons or whatever, it’s just you’re not a person who tolerates that it’s not a norm.

[00:46:07] Yeah. And everything in your being is thinking this isn’t a match. Yeah. .

[00:46:13] Tazima: Oh, and that, and that works for dating too. Yeah. It totally works for dating. Right. I’ve, I’ve helped women transform their dating. and actually attract a partner who is awesome, amazing. I’ve had a, a lady, she went through three rounds with me and the first one was like clearing out like her baggage stuff about dudes and like she started dating, she was hunting before and then she, she welcomed the next one in and so she finally found the guy and we worked out even more of it that had her stopping from getting married.

[00:46:44] She’s got this guy who’s like way in love with her, wants to be with her, but she’s like hitting the brakes cuz she’s like kind of freaking out. Yeah. Cause she doesn’t know how to handle like receiving all of that. And so we had to work through that piece. So the inner transformation is huge and like I said, it’s.

[00:47:01] it’s not linear. Mm-hmm. , there’s nothing I can say that, you know, if you do this and this and this, it’s not a formula. Right. This is the feminine. Mm-hmm. , the feminine operates in a different way. Yes. It’s, it’s, and we trans women transform on the fly. We’re not, yes. We’re not like, we don’t have to separate ourselves from life in order to transform.

[00:47:21] We transform in life. We transform. We don’t have to go into a silent retreat. If we’re mindful and we pay attention to the things that we need and we take care of ourselves and nourishing yummy ways, we can transform who we are and it will be like night and day. Mm-hmm. Tower being more of themselves, more authenticity, more confidence.

[00:47:43] It’s a beautiful thing to watch. I am deeply honored to be able. Help facilitate this in women’s lives. It’s just, it’s just the best, it’s just the .

[00:47:55] Rachel: Good. I’m, I’m deeply honored for everything that you’ve already shared. Yes. And that people, in a moment, I’m gonna let you share where they can follow you so they can binge watch or binge listen, listen or follow your emails.

[00:48:10] All of the ways that people can connect with you and work with you and fill their pleasure cups. So tell us how we can find you. .

[00:48:19] Tazima: Yeah. So in infinite relating.com is my, is my website. There are a few different resources on there. I have a media page that you can go to and listen to other podcasts.

[00:48:31] And this podcast will, will be on there when I get the link for it and post it. And then there is a, a space where you can set up time to talk to me if you actually actively wanna want to do that. I’ll also provide the pleasure cup. I’ll actually provide the link for if people wanna set up time with me, I’ll provide my scheduling link.

[00:48:50] Oh, good. And I will provide also the link for the pleasure cup that I talked to, the pleasure cup exercise that I talked about. So I’ll have all of those available. If you. Catch up with me on the socials. I’m most active on Instagram, so it’s just taima paris on Instagram. I’m the only TMA on there, so

[00:49:08] Oh, wow. That’ll find me easily . Yay. And thankfully Tama is a pretty unique name. . Yes, yes. So yeah. Yeah, you can follow me on, on Instagram and I will be coming out with more helpful reels, so you can check that stuff out. So yeah, and also DM me if you have, if you have a question or a challenge or something that you’re struggling with, send me a message and say, Hey, this is what I’m going, going through.

[00:49:38] Sometimes I have videos that I’ve already done that I can share with you, but yeah, I’m, I’m happy to, to talk to folks and yeah, that’s what my my 45 minute initial chat is for. That’s

[00:49:53] Rachel: so wonderful and it, and it is nice to know there’s a safe space to go to, to ask a personal question and know that it’s okay.

[00:50:04] You’re not gonna be rejected. I get the impression you’ve seen and heard a lot, so a lot. It’s not gonna be too weird for you.

[00:50:12] Tazima: Not at all. , I, they’re not at all. I’ve heard a lot of things and yeah. Somehow because, because of how secret these conversations are, people always think they’re the only one. They think there’s something wrong with them.

[00:50:26] Mm-hmm. , they think that like, I must be failing at life. There’s, I’m, there’s something that I’m doing that’s incorrect. Mm-hmm. , no. It’s literally that people are just in silence. A bunch of people are going through the exact same. , as you can imagine, cuz we’re all in this culture, , we’re all in this society.

[00:50:46] Yes. So we’re all experiencing a lot of similar things and there’s nothing that’s off the table. And, you know, there are things that I don’t handle. I’m not a, a trauma mm-hmm. or coach or therapist. That’s stuff to be held with a therapist. So many of my clients have a therapist and they see me.

[00:51:04] Mm-hmm. , so I’m a coach, not a therapist, coaches. Mm-hmm. deal from right now to the future. Mm-hmm. and therapists go from the now to the past to resolve what’s in the past so you can move forward. And so, yeah, I sometimes, I’ll say in session, that’s for the therapist. And so take it there, but I’m, I’m here for, for it all, all the, all the overthinking, overwhelm,

[00:51:27] I’m here for the, the, the people pleasers and . I’m last on my list and I don’t wanna know what I want. All of that. I’m here for it.

[00:51:36] Rachel: Mm. Well, thank you so much. This was such a joy and a pleasure. Such

[00:51:41] Tazima: a pleasure. Pleasure. First, pleasure First. We’re doing it .

[00:51:44] I am a psychic who helps people in business who understands business. And what I can tell you is if there are five things or six things that you’re considering doing in your business and you wish you knew which ones not to do together, we can tune in and eradicate three to five of those.

[00:52:03] So you only have one or two things to focus on. Imagine the massive amount of time and energy. And wondering, this could save you if you could just commit to the thing, because you know that this is what’s totally aligned with you and your business right now, and this time that moves you forward, that gives you so much action to pour into your business.

[00:52:29] Now, if you listen, there’s a playlist. You can look at other sessions that clients have had, and you’ll notice time and time again. They get one to two to three specific areas that are green lights for them to work on in their business. Things that they can really focus on that are definitely going to help them.

[00:52:51] Occasionally, they also get the clarity on, don’t do these other things. It’s not gonna work for you. It’s not in your best interest right now. And how beautiful is it? And this. Time and world of so many choices, so many options to already have it narrowed down to these are things to focus on. These are things that are not gonna work for you.

[00:53:14] And to have that extra bit of confidence, that stamp of approval saying. This also feels internally aligned. So not only are you thinking it, but this is what I’m reading from your energy field, from spirit, from the infinite field of possibilities that is maximumly, maximumly aligned for your potential.

[00:53:40] That’s what makes life and business. So much fun. I am really looking forward to our first session together. May it be the first of many.

Go ahead. Click here for the booking link here.